110% of the time it works every time…

After listening to President Bush’s 2007 State of the Union address and Senator Jim Webb’s (D-Va) response on behalf of the Democrat party, i must admit that regardless of my own political beliefs, i felt a bit refreshed. From President Bush’s greeting of “Madam” speaker to Webb’s self-authored speech (he threw away the one written by democrat party leadership)… there’s a fresh air of thought blowing through the capitol and although it’s bittersweet, it is better late than never.

That feeling of refreshment inspired, nay, it compelled me – you see I don’t normally have new years resolutions per say but it feels as though with a new year and a new blog – to have my first official State of My Union. The following is the transcript from my address that occurred this morning from 8:15am – 8:45am in the shower (yes it was a longer-than-normal shower, but I had to pause for numerous applause breaks).

Madam Speaker of the Apartment Kristin, Vice President Luca, members of the shower, distinguished guests, and fellow citizens:

Though I know I should shower every morning, custom brings us here every other morning. But what truly brings us here today is our common goal for the amelioration of my union. Now people may ask, “how can it be a union if it’s only one person and who the hell uses the word amelioration?” to which I shall respond, “yeah but still… it’s my union and I will use whatever words I want! So there.” (applause).

We (by “we” I mean “I”) enter 2007 in a brave new world and a brave new borough. Though it may not be far from where we started, it is far from where we thought we would be. We are entering a new phase, a place where we had never been before and for that I congratulate the Head for recently winning a majority over this union and I urge the Head to work with the Heart, who is broken after its bitter defeat, for no matter the convictions, we are all brought together for one goal: to make me happy.

Over the past year we have seen the economy of my union garner double digit growth, with the lowest unemployment rate ever – 0% (applause), however in leveraging that cashflow into assets and equity, this union has amassed great debt. So i declare an end to the retailtherapy-onomics (booo) that has characterized the fourth quarter of 2006 and i propose a plan to balance the budget by years’ end – student loans not included (applause).

My union once gained great pride from the arts and music, which has seen a dramatic decrease of output over the past two terms. However, i am making the creation of art and writing a major initiative in 2007 (applause), rewarding my union with economic kick-backs for every finished piece (applause).

The health of the union has never been worse – but health coverage has never been better, well at least since i got booted from my fathers’ cushy coverage. But i will combat the issue of health by making this union less dependent on camel lights and liquor, by switching over to less harmful one’s such as camel ultra-lights(applause). I propose a continuation of my policy to take the stairs rather than the elevator and an increase in salad intake per week. These proposals will lead to a better and healthier union (applause).

The union had been engaged in a life-altering war, causing a great rift between the Head and the Heart over how to handle the onslaught, but i stand here today to proudly proclaim “we got our butt’s kicked”. But hey madam speaker, your glass sure looks half-full and it is (applause)…. so after 10 years of bitter infighting this union has emerged as a stronger and better one to the credit of everyone involved (applause).

With a strong bi-partisan government, a balanced budget, an art initiative, and a healthier union that is no longer engaged in an emotional war, my union is ready for a more robust and open foreign relations policy which shall be known as the Lower Standards Policy of 2007. The LSP encompasses a wide range of things, but most importantly counters the isolationist/relationshipist- “i am an island”- attitude of the past while promoting the independentness – “we are an island chain”. I will outline the LSP in greater depth though the name should speak for itself. Suffice it to say, I also propose traveling to new and exciting locations that are in dire need of a visit from my union. I already have adopted such a policy for 2007, having visited southern california early this year… let’s just say i left it a better place than before i arrived (applause). I will bring this sunny union to florida, the sunshine state, where i will gladly lead my cousin’s baby boy on the path to god as his godfather (applause). I will travel extensively to Europe and the country continent of Africa. I will also take pictures (ooohs and ahhs).

Today we have amongst us two guests, Matt Rodriguez and Beth Belkin. Matt has gone from hero to zero and back again in an amazing 3 week stretch, he is a true example of a cool dude – my union could only hope to be as cool. It would seem he has been taking direction from the best-selling book, “Tony’s Guide to Letting Her Down Gently (but not against the pillow)” (applause). The young Beth Belkin’s own union just passed the Higher Standards Act of 2007… from my union to yours, Good Luck! (applause).

It is my belief that the State of My Union is strong and getting better – especially with the presence of such stand-up people like Matt, Beth, Madam Speaker Kristin, and VP Luca. We’ve been through a lot over the past few years and in many ways my union feels like one that is 35 with 5 ex-wives and not 23… so here’s to making it feel 12 years younger and 4 divorces lighter (uproarious applause!!). God Bless… drinks anyone?

VP Luca.

(note: this was one of the first posts, but deserved its own page)